[nndl] grief during the holidays

Grief during holidays is subject of Tuesday panel

Gary Kent, a writer, filmmaker and stuntman, is among those to talk about coping.

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Monday, December 08, 2008

As a stuntman and director of derring-do, Gary Kent seems to have broken about half the bones in his body.

During the shooting of 1968's "Savage Seven," he survived a fall
from a motorcycle only to be run over by the actors behind him. And
while filming a 2002 cult classic in which a character playing a
geriatric Elvis wrestles with a mummy, he fell off a Malibu, Calif.,
cliff, shattering his leg and spinning his ankle around until his foot
was reversed.

But it is a different kind of pain, far deeper, that will drive Kent
on Tuesday to participate in a panel discussion and workshop on
"Surviving the Holidays." The event is organized by Hospice Austin, a
nonprofit organization that serves terminally ill and bereaved people
and their families.

Kent, a gregarious and warm 75-year-old who bubbles up with stories
of his Hollywood exploits, shouldered the death of his 54 -year-old
wife, Tomi Barrett, in 2005 of lung cancer.

"Everyone around you is celebrating, and holidays are so much about
reuniting with loved ones," said Melinda Marble, a spokeswoman for
Hospice Austin. "You want to get in bed and pull the sheets over your
head. And there's so much pressure to move on, move on, move on."

Kent and Barrett met in 1974 on the Dallas set of the movie musical,
"Phantom of the Paradise." He was handsome and rugged and serving as a
production manager. Barrett, whose legal name was Shirley Willeford
Kent, was a dance teacher, a former American Airlines flight attendant
and a one-time warehouse foreman who had been called in to choreograph.

They married three years later in California, where he made a steady
living as a stuntman and she broke into the acting and producing
business. But she never loved Los Angeles, and as he began writing
scripts in the 1980s, the couple began splitting their time between the
West Coast and Austin, where she was born.

Out of their Austin house, she set up an animal rescue operation that helped hundreds of animals.

In spring 2005, doctors diagnosed Barrett with stage 4 lung cancer. By September, she was dead.

The holiday season brought special challenges to Kent's grief: "You
are isolated, expected to be different, and people want you to be
strong."

"You can't grieve forever, so I learned to have a celebration of
life and have her spirit participate," Kent said. He doesn't turn away
the odd pet that's dropped off at their house, thinking, in a way, that
Barrett is with him enjoying it.

David Zuniga, director of programs at Hospice Austin, recommends
that people who are trying to help grieving friends ask, "How can I be
of service to you?"

"Sometimes, the best way to help someone is not to do too much," he said. "Just be available to listen."

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